Ambivalence Is Normal

“Ambivalence is a wonderful tune to dance to. It has a rhythm all its own.”

Erica Jong

Sometimes a change will make sense to your loved one; other times, it won’t. They may give reasons for change one day (green lights), and the next day they argue against it (red lights). This motivational seesaw is normal—it’s how ambivalence gets expressed and is par for the course in virtually any change, from dieting to ending relationships to changing careers, not just changing substance use.

Why might your loved one feel ambivalent when the costs seem so clear to you? The change you hope may have its benefits, but remember, your loved one gets something from using substances (it’s reinforcing!). As a result, sometimes using or not changing makes sense. Changing that behavior requires learning a new behavior to replace it, and the work involved in learning can be hard and uncomfortable.

Change can be understood as a cost-benefit equation, as illustrated by the example below.

Reasons to Exercise/Change (Benefits)

• Better health
• Increased energy 
• Doctor will be happy 
• Feel better about myself

Reasons to Not Exercise/Not Change (Costs)Reason

• Feel awkward in the gym socially
• Like the extra time at home
• Get fatigued from exercise
• Reminds me how out of shape I am
• Don’t want to pay for a gym

This is ambivalence: wanting to go in two directions simultaneously, often with good (or good enough) reasons either way. If you listen carefully, you can hear your loved one’s ambivalence in how they talk about their experiences and decisions. Try to appreciate that their reasons for both changing behaviors and not changing them are reasonable—and don’t take the bait!

Arguing with ambivalence or trying to make them see your side is just begging for them to defend their reasons for not changing. If you react to “I don’t want to change” (red light talk) by arguing, trying to shout it down, or lecturing (“what do you mean you don’t want to stop, you could jeopardize your job because of it!”), You will probably get a defensive response (yelling back or, better yet, door slamming). And you may miss hearing the other more subtle examples of your loved one’s desire to change (“I don’t want to miss that basketball game in the morning”).

Not getting into an argument gives them room to reflect on their reasons to change. Instead of fighting with ambivalence, you can gently guide their behavior with your responses. You can choose to respond with communication and behavioral strategies that help tip the scale toward change. Patience can come in very handy!

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