Breaking Free from the "Should Be Over It" Myth: Understanding and Overcoming Harmful Grief Mindsets 🐯

Grief is a deeply personal journey, yet society often imposes a timeline on it. The "should be over it" mindset is a pervasive belief that can undermine the natural grieving process. This article delves into the origins of this mindset, how it can harm your grief journey, and offers techniques to challenge and change this damaging perspective. 

🔥 "Grief, like the ocean, comes in waves. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." - Vicki Harrison

Grief isn't exclusively bound to the loss of a loved one. It can also emerge from traumatic events in your life. Experiences such as childhood trauma, losing a job, the end of a significant relationship, or even witnessing a distressing incident can trigger profound feelings of grief. Recognizing and validating this is essential because every individual's grief journey is unique and deeply personal.

Understanding where these misguided "you should be over it" attitudes come from and the impact they have can help you foster a more compassionate approach to your own healing and that of others. Let’s explore how to move beyond the "over it" mentality and embrace a healthier, more supportive way to grieve.

What are the psychological origins of the 'should be over it' mindset?

The 'should be over it' mindset has deep-seated psychological roots, often stemming from societal norms and cultural expectations about how we handle emotions. Many societies prioritize productivity, often equating emotional resilience with the ability to return to 'normal' quickly after a traumatic event. This expectation can foster an internal narrative that discourages prolonged emotional expression, pushing individuals to 'move on' before they may be ready. 

Another contributing factor is the discomfort many people feel when confronted with grief. It's not unusual for friends and family to struggle with offering support, leading them to inadvertently pressurize the grieving individual to appear 'fine' again. This pressure is compounded by well-meaning statements such as "It's time to move on" or "They wouldn't want you to be sad," which can reinforce the belief that extended mourning isn't acceptable. 

Cognitive biases also play a significant role. The Just-World Hypothesis, for example, suggests that people get what they deserve. This can lead to an unconscious judgment that if someone is still grieving, they must be doing something wrong. Additionally, the desire for control in an uncontrollable situation encourages a mindset that wants to 'fix' grief quickly, often through arbitrarily imposed timelines. 

How does societal pressure contribute to harmful grief mindsets?

Societal pressure often dictates that grieving should be neatly timed and eventually ‘overcome.’ Think about how workplaces typically offer only a few days of bereavement leave, suggesting that your grief should be short-lived and manageable. This underlying message can make you feel inadequate or pressured to hide your emotions to fit societal expectations. 

Cultural narratives can perpetuate the harmful idea that strength is shown by moving on quickly. Phrases like "time heals all wounds" or "they would want you to be happy" are well-meaning but often misunderstood. These statements inadvertently imply that there is a 'correct' timeline for grieving, pressuring you to display resilience sooner rather than later. 

Media representation also plays a role. Movies and TV shows often present a streamlined version of grief, where characters quickly bounce back from loss. Such portrayals create unrealistic expectations about the grieving process, further enforcing the idea that you should be over it in a set amount of time. 

Peer pressure adds another layer. Although well-intentioned, friends and family might deliver advice that aligns with these societal norms. They may urge you to move on, start new activities, or "get back to normal" before you're ready, complicating your ability to grieve at your own pace. 

These societal pressures can ultimately transform grief into a hidden, internalized struggle. When you're constantly told how you 'should' feel or behave, it becomes harder to honor your unique emotional journey and seek the support you desperately need.

What are the common negative impacts of this mindset on the grieving process?

When society tells you that you "should be over it," it often leads to suppressed emotions. You might feel pressured to hide your grief, leading to unresolved feelings that can surface unexpectedly. This repression can manifest in various ways, including anxiety, depression, and even physical ailments. 

Another negative impact is the sense of isolation. When people around you expect you to move on, you might feel misunderstood or unsupported. This can discourage you from seeking the help you need, whether it's talking to a friend or seeing a therapist. Over time, this isolation can contribute to prolonged feelings of loneliness and sadness. 

This mindset can hinder the natural process of grieving. Grief isn't linear; it fluctuates and evolves over time. By imposing a timeline, you may rush through or skip important stages of grief, which can hinder emotional healing. Instead of processing your loss fully, you might find yourself stuck in a particular stage, unable to move forward. 

The "should be over it" mindset can also damage your relationships. When others believe you should have moved on, it can create tension and misunderstandings. Friends and family might become impatient or insensitive, exacerbating your feelings of isolation and hurt. This can strain relationships, making it more challenging to find support. 

Adopting this mindset affects your self-perception. You might start to think there's something wrong with you for still feeling sad or mourning. This self-criticism adds an extra layer of stress, making the grieving process even harder. Remember, grief is a deeply personal experience, and there's no "right" way to go through it.

What are effective techniques to challenge and change harmful grief mindsets?

Changing the "should be over it" mindset requires deliberate effort and strategies. The following techniques can help you or someone you support navigate the path of grief with more compassion and understanding. 

1. Validate Your Feelings 

Grief is a highly individual experience. It's crucial to give yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling without judgment. Acknowledge that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve, and it's okay to still feel the pain, no matter how much time has passed. 

2. Educate Yourself and Others 

One effective way to challenge this mindset is through education. Learning about the stages of grief and understanding that they are not linear can provide much-needed perspective. Sharing this knowledge with friends and family can help shift collective attitudes toward more supportive behaviors. 

3. Find a Supportive Community 

Connecting with others who have experienced similar losses can be incredibly validating. Support groups, whether in-person or online, offer a safe space to share your feelings without the fear of being misunderstood or judged. 

4. Practice Self-Compassion 

Be kind to yourself. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same understanding and patience you would offer a friend in a similar situation. This practice can significantly reduce feelings of guilt and shame often associated with prolonged grief. 

5. Seek Professional Help 

Therapists specializing in grief and loss can provide personalized strategies to navigate your emotions. Professional guidance can be particularly beneficial if you find yourself stuck in your grieving process or if societal pressures are making it difficult for you to heal. 

6. Establish Healthy Routines 

Maintaining a routine can offer a sense of normalcy and peace. Routine activities like exercise, meditation, or journaling can serve as effective outlets for your feelings and contribute positively to your mental health. 

7. Question the 'Should Be Over It' Mindset 

Challenge the basis of this mindset by asking yourself why you feel pressured to be "over it." These pressures are often rooted in external expectations rather than personal needs. By understanding the origin of these pressures, you can better resist them. 

Remember, changing ingrained mindsets takes time, but with effort and support, creating a more compassionate and understanding approach to grief is possible. As you navigate the complex terrain of grief, remember that there is no universal timeline or right way to mourn. Each person's journey is unique and deserving of patience and empathy. By actively questioning harmful mindsets and embracing supportive practices, you contribute to a culture that honors the authenticity of human emotions. This shift not only eases your own path but also fosters a more compassionate society for all who grieve. Keep striving for understanding and knowing that every small step towards a healthier mindset makes a significant difference.

Yours in the Bond of the Phoenix    

Bernie & Michael Tiger 🐯    

Tiger Resilience  

🔥 Transform your life and build self-esteem with our Tiger Resilience Journal 

NOW Available on AMAZON. This thoughtfully crafted journal guides you through the five pillars of our Tiger Resilience Principle—Defining Purpose, Planning, Practice, Perseverance, and Providence. Whether you're seeking personal growth, clarity, or a new beginning, this journal is your ideal companion. Embrace change and discover the strength within you, one page at a time. Start your journey today and rise like the Phoenix! Perfect for anyone ready to awaken their inner tiger and transform their life. https://a.co/d/9cgp96G