Do The Right Thing - A True Story of Hope and Inspiration

The Right Thing

“Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody's going to know whether you did it or not.”

- Oprah Winfrey

I awoke to a Gale force when that was blowing fiercely through my open bedroom window. It was almost October 2010 in New England, and the center fall was in the air with its crisp fresh, invigorating aroma creating an excellent wake-up call. This time of year is a favorite for my wife and me. But unfortunately, this was also the last autumn season that I would live in Massachusetts.

My life at this time had taken a new path, creating yet another journey for us to undertake. My wife Valerie found herself in 2008 feeling stuck in a job that she was wildly overqualified for. Two years earlier, the company she had invested years of professional growth in imploded. Now joining the likes of Enron, Adelphia Cable had succumbed to greed, deceit, and eventual collapse.

Valerie acquired a new position in a company over an hour away in Rhode Island. Though her new job paid far less, the travel was much further, and the work was far under her competencies, she was grateful to be employed. My wife, now getting home later at night by myself, ended up taking on additional roles that we shared.

I, too, was busy with my own life, including my business, and working as a clinician/therapist in a hospital setting specializing in substance use disorder and mental health. My schedule was more flexible, which allowed me to pick up the additional chores, though life did get a bit stressful during this stage. However, Valerie and I have always been adaptable to any life changes. After all, 27 years in a relationship can offer a foundation to ride out any of life's ground-shaking. Though we are very different in our personalities: me enjoying the thrills of skydiving and her being comfortable with the night at home watching a movie, our values and principles are perfectly aligned, allowing our relationship to thrive and is a cornerstone of our marriage. I have learned that having different interests does not take away from a committed relationship if your value system is aligned. My life experience is that people with similar interests, but other value systems never seem to last long in a relationship together.

In the winter of 2009, Valerie began seeking new employment when it was clear she would not be able to advance in the company she was with. This organization was not utilizing her talents, strengths, and competencies for her to reach her potential. At that time, the online employment website monster was where she posted her resume. During this time, a friend who worked for another telecom giant, Comcast, tried to get Valerie a referral to the company for a possible interview. Unfortunately, this didn't prove easy because Comcast was downsizing in New England then.

After a month of searching, Valerie had an inquiry on her online resume. It was Comcast spotlight out of the Philadelphia area, the company she was trying to get into. An interview with scheduled a week later, and I drove her down to Westchester, Pennsylvania. The idea was to have four interviews with her in one day since we traveled from Massachusetts. Valerie spent the whole day interviewing while I toured the area to investigate what would potentially become and eventually did our new home. I've always believed in visualization and seeing my future potential before it is manifest. The important part is ensuring I am clear on what that future looks like. Touring around Chester County, Pennsylvania, allowed me to define that vision of a potential future.

A few anxious weeks later, Valerie was contacted and offered the job. Here is where the tricky part comes in. Our son Michael was a sophomore in high school at that time. He has been living in Massachusetts since he was two years old and was in the same school system throughout his life. Michaels's peers, friendships, and relationships have been developed and nurtured here in the tiny sea village near Cape Cod. Valerie and I agreed earlier that no matter the employment outcome, our son would remain in the school system and continue in the town where he grew up.

Once Valerie and I decided that this career opportunity was something she could not pass up, we knew we would have to live apart for the next two years. The plan was to continue until Michael graduated from high school and then transitioned to live in Chester County, Pennsylvania. My business could be run from any location remotely, and as a clinician and a specialized field, there was a great demand for what I did. Therefore, I was not concerned about the transition into another state which made this less complicated. The challenge for us was living 345 miles apart for two years. Valerie and I have been together for over 27 years, and this will be a significant paradigm shift for us all.

I had spoken with many friends and colleagues about the situation and was given different perspectives. Some thought our plan made sense but seemed fraught with many challenges, while others said we should move together and let Michael go to a new school starting in his junior year. The latter of those views was not an option for us. Having the experience of being shuffled from school to school through my childhood, never being able to develop genuine bonds through stability, comfort, and security, I knew how devastating this would be for Michael. So the right thing for us was to live two separate lives for two years. And then reunite when Michael graduated high school.

The right thing to do was something that Valerie and I knew innately. And one of the educational groups that I facilitate as a role of a therapist, I discussed the idea that people have choices all the time. My example story follows:

 "You find yourself walking down the sidewalk one day, and you come across a discarded piece of paper on your path. As you approach this discarded paper, you think someone threw some litter on the ground. You have an appointment at running a little late, and as you come up to the paper on the ground, you think I should throw that out. Still, I'm running late, and I don't have the time to stop now; in your mind, who knows the right thing to do, but you don't have the time, at least that's what you think and rationalize to yourself. Besides, someone else could pick it up because it wasn't my responsibility anyway, as I did not throw the piece of paper on the ground. You know it would only take one second to pick up that piece of paper and put it in a trash bin, but it is much more comfortable to walk past it. It only takes one moment of effort out of our lives to do the right thing but remaining comfortable always seems easier for many of us. With that thought in mind and realizing it would only take that one extra second to pick up a piece of paper and throw it in the garbage, could you imagine what if every single person in the world did that continuously-what would the world look like? I would argue it would change everything significantly as that one extra second of effort defines our character as individuals."

To do the right thing is not always easy, but it is not always hard. But, at the end of the day and the end of our journey, those single moments will always define who we are and who we become.

For Valerie and I, the right thing to do was far from comfortable. Of course, it would have been easier if we all moved to Pennsylvania together, just like walking over that piece of paper on the ground. However, it was more important to make the right decision: to keep our son in his school and live apart for two years.

It is 2022, and we have lived in Chester County, Pennsylvania, for almost 11 years. Our son had completed college completing his degree at Penn State. He is now on his career path, living a productive and happy life (a bonus to our choice was Michael was able to get in-state tuition since Valerie had been residing in Pennsylvania for the past two years before we moved back together as a family in 2011 when Mike graduated high school).

Today, Valerie and I look at how he has evolved as a person and believe that making the right decision at that moment in time made all the difference. The two of us have also benefited, as our hearts have grown in gratitude because of the distance and time we were away from each other. There is much truth and wisdom in the statement that you never know what you have until you no longer have it.

This culmination of decisions and doing the right thing have also allowed me the opportunity to launch my business, Tiger Resilience. If it was not for the experiences shared that brought us to our path today, who knows what road I would be on. I believe we have the innate ability to know the right thing to do for each of our journeys. So, look within. Whenever you doubt, you will find the answer. Our journey in life is filled with peaks and valleys, and our outcomes are always a result of our decisions. My daily mantra is always to try to do the right thing to the best of my ability every day, and if and when I fail at that, I learn from my mistakes, build the bridge, and I get over them, and continue fresh the next day.

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