To Succeed - Model Success

The basic premise of this model is that your thoughts create your feelings, your feelings create your actions, and your actions create your results.

CIRCUMSTANCES>THOUGHTS>FEELINGS>ACTIONS>RESULTS

Let’s take a look at each of its components.

Circumstances 

• Circumstances are facts that everyone agrees on and that can be proven in a court of law. “I am 5’5” tall,” for example. The fact that I am a certain height is measurable, provable, and not debatable. That is how circumstances work. Here are a few more examples: Apple makes computers; the girl spilled her coffee; the purse is black.
• Besides basic facts, there are two additional components to circumstances—your past and other people’s actions. The events of your past are circumstances.
• For example, if your mom came over to your house last week at 10 AM without calling first, that is a circumstance. It’s a fact. It’s how she acted. It has already happened.
• If your mom calls you right now and says she is coming over, that is also a circumstance. It’s a fact that she made the call, and it’s not debatable by anyone. Circumstances—the facts of your life—are neutral. They’re neither good nor bad. Circumstances only become good or bad based on the thoughts we have about them.
• Thoughts are sentences in your head.
• For example, thinking that your mom is being overbearing by coming over unannounced is a thought. It’s your opinion. Others could have different opinions about that same circumstance.
• You know a thought is not a circumstance if there are any descriptive words or opinions in the sentence around the facts. Even if 100 people out of 100 agreed on the same set of facts, it’s still a thought because it can’t be proven as a fact. The number of people agreeing with a thought doesn’t make it a circumstance. It’s still a thought.
• Any time you add a qualifier to a circumstance, you are choosing to think a thought. If you say, “She has a horrible past,” that is a thought, no matter how many people agree with you. The descriptor “horrible” is a thought about the person’s past.
• Most people have unsupervised minds. Human beings have approximately 60,000 thoughts per day. They don’t intentionally choose their thoughts, and that’s often what gets people into big trouble. Then that trouble often leads to people feeling bad on a regular basis without knowing why or how to process their emotions.
• Nothing that happens in your life is amazing or horrible until you decide to have a thought about it to make it that way. Everything is a circumstance until you put a thought into it.
• If you haven’t trained your brain to think intentionally, you will continue to repeat your past and have the same thoughts you’ve always had. That’s why so many people repeat their past.
• Your brain will recreate your past if you don’t train it to create new results from your future. That is what you can do with the Self Coaching Model.

FEELINGS

• Feelings are vibrations in your body.
• We’re not taught how to feel. Because of the way our brains have developed to avoid pain, we typically avoid, resist, and react to negative emotions. We need to learn how to notice, acknowledge, and name our feelings so we can experience them as vibrations in our body.
• When using the Model, feelings should be described in one word. Examples of feelings that can be expressed in one word are happy, sad, angry, ashamed, determined, joyful, uncertain, and depressed.
• Many people confuse thoughts and feelings. For example, if someone asks you how you felt about your mom coming over unannounced, you might say, “I am frustrated because she is overbearing.” In this example, the feeling you’re having is frustration. The thought you’re having about the circumstance is that your mom is overbearing. Your mom coming over unannounced is not, in and of itself, frustrating; it’s a neutral circumstance. Your thought that your mom is overbearing is causing you to feel frustrated.

Distinguishing between thoughts and feelings is critical to feeling better. Understanding that your thoughts cause your feelings is how you learn how to feel better without changing your circumstances.

• No one can cause you to feel a certain way. Your thoughts about what someone did (or didn’t do) is what causes you to feel something. No one is jumping into your body and causing the vibrations of emotions. Your thoughts cause your emotions—always.
• It’s great news that your thoughts create your feelings because it means you can choose how you want to think and, therefore, how you want to feel.
• That doesn’t mean you’ll feel good all the time. In fact, you’ll feel bad about 50% of the time. But you’ll feel bad because you’re choosing to feel bad, not because someone else is making you feel bad.
• Why might you choose to feel bad? Because you want to be the type of person who is disappointed when your trust is betrayed, heartbroken when your spouse cheats on you or devastated when your child is injured. Part of being human means there is bad with the good. You’ll likely want to feel bad when something you consider bad happens.
• When you say someone else makes you feel a certain way, you give your power away. And in my experience, other people are notoriously bad at making us feel the way we want to feel. That is another reason to be thankful that you are responsible for how you feel.

ACTIONS

• Actions are what you do, don’t do, or react to (e.g., actions, inactions, and reactions).
• In the Model, your feelings cause your actions, inactions, or reactions.
• For example, because you’re feeling frustrated about your mom coming over unannounced, you decide not to talk to her for the rest of the week. The frustration you feel drives the action of giving her the silent treatment.
• Your actions, inactions, and reactions will be based on the feelings that caused them. If you’re not taking action and wondering why not, ask yourself what feeling you have right before you want to take action. Then work backward to see what thought is driving the feeling.

RESULTS

• Results are the consequences or outcomes of your actions, inactions, or reactions.
• Using the same example as above, the consequence of you not talking to your mom for a week might be that your relationship suffers.
• The problem with most coaching is that it focuses solely on changing your actions. When you change your actions but don’t change the thoughts and feelings behind those actions, there’s resistance, and that makes it difficult, if not impossible, to see real change. That’s what happens when the symptom of a problem is treated instead of the root cause.
• The Model is a way for you to solve any problem instead of only fixing the symptom temporarily.

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