What People Think of You

"Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner."

Lao Tzu

Don’t take anything personally. That’s the second agreement of Don Miguel Ruiz’s classic, “The Four Agreements.” Here is a passage from that inspiring book:

Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own minds; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.

Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds…Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up…

It is never our business what others think of us. Their perceptions and beliefs will always be subjective based on their filters, narration, life stories, and intentions.

While it is human nature to want to be liked and accepted, getting caught up in trying too hard to win the approval of others is not only unhealthy and can also be debilitating and lead to persistent self-doubt.

Certainly, it is normal to be concerned about how we come across to others, but how much should it matter?

Conversely, being oblivious to the thoughts and opinions of others would be equally undesirable. Indeed, possessing 'emotional intelligence’ requires us to be aware of and reflect on how we affect others.

So, where does that leave us?

It leaves us working to maintain a healthy, positive self-awareness without being preoccupied with how we appear to others. When we are comfortable with ourselves, we do not give worrying about what people think much, thought or energy.

Here is how to not worry about what people think of you:

Understand that you cannot please everyone, and not everyone will like you. So instead of wasting your time trying to please everyone - mainly because it's impossible; strive to be the best person 'you' can be. Do so by developing yourself and your unique skills, talents, and abilities. Endeavor to have people like you for who you genuinely are rather than an inauthentic, people-pleasing version of who you hope people will like. Dare to be yourself!

Be aware of your inner critic and avoid second-guessing yourself. Many of us imagine that everyone is judging everything we do. We tend to over-analyze any mistakes we make, berate ourselves for making them, and then assume everyone is scrutinizing and keeping score of what we do. Contrary to what we may believe, fewer people care or take the time to notice what we are doing or how. Most are too busy and absorbed with their preoccupations to pay much attention. They are probably worrying about how they are being perceived.

Focus on what you are doing rather than how you appear. To take the attention away from how you believe others may be critiquing, judging, or evaluating you, train yourself to focus instead on the task at hand and on accomplishing what you set out to do. In doing so, you will not only act more naturally and flowingly (by being less self-conscious) you will direct attention to the right issue - the subject at hand.

Work on developing a healthy self-concept. A healthy self-concept entails knowing, accepting/loving yourself, and being true to yourself. No one can shake your fundamental belief in yourself if you understand and accept who you are. When you have a solid foundation, you don't worry about what people think of you. You already know who you are and what you are capable of. You also know you're a valuable human being subject to the same strengths and weaknesses, disappointments and successes, feelings, and emotions that the rest of humanity is - and that's okay.

Seek positive, constructive feedback from people you trust. Undoubtedly, it is difficult to be objective about ourselves, so if you are still concerned about how others see you - and realistically, you need to have some idea - seek positive, constructive feedback from trusted family members or friends. There is always room for improvement, so constructive feedback can only help. Here are some signs that you worry too much about what others think.

You probably worry too much about what others think if you:

• Go against personal values or rights to please others
• Try too hard to fit in
• I don't know when to say no
• Do not set personal boundaries
• Listen to and believe everything others may say about you
• Are you afraid to make decisions; always play it safe
• Think others are against you or don’t like you for no identifiable reason

Ultimately, worrying about what others think can be debilitating and inhibit you from living your life fully and freely. If you become bound by the thoughts and opinions of others, you are at the mercy of those opinions and therefore not free to be your genuine self.

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