Bonds: The Connections That Shape Us

Welcome to Our Latest Newsletter! 

📚 Read Time: 8 Minutes 

We’re not talking markets, martinis, or 007. 

When we say bond, we mean the invisible thread that holds people together, forged through trust, shared effort, and showing up when it counts. A real bond is honest. Humbling. Sometimes messy. Always earned. 

It’s the teammate who drags you across the finish line. The friend who sees past your mask. The coach who doesn’t let you tap out. The late-night call. The hand on your back. The unspoken “I’ve got you.” 

In a world that’s over-connected but under-bonded, this week we’re going back to the glue. The stuff that makes resilience stick. 

What we’ll cover: 

• 🧭 What Is a Bond? Clear definitions of real vs. performative connection, and why our wiring runs on the real thing   
• 🧠🩺 The Science of Bonding: How oxytocin, co-regulation, and brain synchrony make us stronger together   
• 📊 Stats Worth Knowing: What the CDC, NIH, and decades of research say about connection, health, and longevity   
• 🐅 Tiger Resilience Lens: Bond vs. Broken Bond across Body, Mind, Heart, and Spirit   
• 🏋️ Michael’s Training Corner: Why shared effort builds trust, and how real work humbles the ego and reveals character   
• 🌍 Real-World Spotlight: Dr. Stephen Porges, the neuroscientist who proved that connection doesn’t just feel good, it regulates your entire system   
• 📝 Journal Exercise: A reflection to deepen the connections you already have, or rebuild the ones that need it   
• 🔥 Final Thoughts: The Five Pillars applied to connection and why resilience is never a solo mission   

Missed a recent issue? Browse the full Tiger Resilience Newsletter Library here: 

👉 https://courses.tiger-resilience.com/newsletter-archive-page-three?cid=5874ac1f-3e21-4744-88a8-fec05e1cb553

What Is a Bond? 

A bond is a meaningful connection between people, built through time, truth, and trust. It’s not just “being close” to someone. It’s what happens when you drop the mask and let someone actually see you, and they show up anyway. 

Bonds can be emotional, physical, psychological, or even spiritual. The best ones are all four. You feel safe, supported, challenged, and known. You don’t have to keep explaining yourself. You can just be. 

But let’s get one thing straight: not all “connection” is bonding. 

Performative connection looks the part but lacks the substance. It’s the friend who takes a selfie with you but ghosts your hard moments. The teammate who’s all hype in the group chat but MIA when it matters. It’s curated closeness, image over intimacy. 

Real bonds feel different. They’re built in shared effort, quiet loyalty, and sometimes in total silence. You don’t need words when trust runs deep. 

So, what counts? 

• Consistency over charisma — do they show up?   
• Presence over polish — do they see the real you?   
• Effort over ease — will they walk through the hard stuff, not just hang for the highlight reel?   

A bond isn’t a vibe. It’s a verb, formed in action, earned over time. And when it’s real, you feel it in your nervous system: grounded, steady, safe. We’ll get into that next.

I tend to look at bonds in two ways. 

There’s the bond we build with others, the ones that anchor us through shared experience, honesty, and effort. And then there’s the bond we build with ourselves, the internal relationship that defines how we see, speak to, and show up for the person we are when no one’s watching. 

That second bond, the one with the self, is where everything starts.
We like to think resilience begins with willpower, but it really begins with perspective. The language we use with ourselves creates either closeness or clarity. 

Researchers from the University of Michigan have shown that when we use first-person pronouns in our self-talk, “I,” “me,” “my”, we stay self-immersed. We get caught in the emotional noise. Our view narrows, and small stressors start to feel enormous. Every challenge becomes personal, every obstacle a reflection of identity. That’s where toughness turns fragile. 

But when we step back, using our name, the third person, or even imagining how we’d advise a friend, something changes. We shift into self-distanced perspective. The brain cools down, our reasoning opens up, and what once felt like threat now looks like challenge. We can see the whole picture instead of reacting to a single frame. 

That’s a bond worth building, the ability to coach yourself with compassion instead of judgment.
It’s one of the most underrated skills in resilience. Because when your internal dialogue is balanced, honest, and steady, you become your own anchor. 

Then there are the external bonds, the ones forged through shared effort.
I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it: the track and the weight room don’t lie. You can’t fake it there. You can’t talk your way into endurance or posture your way into strength. The people who train beside you see you in your rawest state, tired, tested, and completely exposed. 

And yet, that’s what makes those bonds so real.
You might not know much about someone outside of the reps or the laps, but you know who they are when they’re on the edge. You’ve seen them fight when it’s easier to fold. You’ve watched them choose the hard way, again and again. That’s authenticity you can trust. 

Some of my strongest connections have come from these shared environments. People I’ve only known for a few weeks feel like lifelong friends because we’ve met each other in the space where no one can pretend. 

And the truth is, that same honesty applies everywhere else in life.
You can’t fake showing up in a relationship. Not with your partner, your family, or your friends. You can’t say the right words once and expect that to carry you. It’s what you do, consistently, that keeps the bond alive. 

Love, like training, is repetition. It’s being there even when you’re tired. It’s listening when it’s inconvenient. It’s giving effort when no one’s keeping score. That’s how connection deepens. 

At the end of the day, the bond with yourself and the bonds with others are the same muscle,  built through consistency, tested by stress, and strengthened through honesty. 

Effort reveals truth. And truth is what makes the bond unbreakable.

How you talk to yourself shapes how you show up for others, both bonds built the same way.

Bernie's Perspective: Yours in the Bond of the Phoenix 

“Yours in the bond of the phoenix” has been my uplifting tagline for nearly three decades. This phrase emerged as a heartfelt reflection of my amazement at the incredible resilience of the human spirit, underscoring how individuals can overcome significant challenges and rise triumphantly. The captivating imagery of the phoenix, representing rebirth and renewal as it soars gracefully from its ashes, struck a chord with me. It became clear that I wanted to carry this powerful metaphor throughout my life's journey. 

Looking back on my life, I recognize that forging meaningful connections with others has been one of my greatest gifts. Each relationship and interaction has woven a beautiful tapestry of experiences that have shaped my identity and journey. 

To truly grasp the depth of this sentiment, it's valuable to consider life from the perspective of someone who may struggle to connect. Beginning as a homeless teenager, emerging from a challenging family environment, I experienced firsthand the impact of broken bonds. Yet, during that tumultuous time, I was quietly building small but significant connections. One encounter stands out: in the bustling streets of New York City, I met a man in his 40s, facing his own hardships, who showed me incredible kindness. His mentorship guided me through my struggles and led me to a supportive program at the Salvation Army. This place provided shelter, even if temporary, and became a pivotal turning point in my life. 

Those challenging experiences have left me with valuable insights: while life may present its fair share of challenges, the connections we nurture can significantly influence our paths. This principle has revealed itself across various relationships throughout my life. My friendship with Jeff, who recently and unexpectedly passed away this year, beautifully illustrated this. We were kindred spirits, bonded by our shared love for adventure, whether skiing down snowy slopes or soaring through the skies while skydiving. 

The bond I share with Valerie, my partner, stands out as the most profound in my life, continuously inspiring and uplifting me. Our partnership has brought hope, stability, and profound happiness. Together, we created our family, joyfully welcoming our son Michael in 1993. His arrival marked a pivotal shift in my understanding of bonding, transforming me from an independent individual into a nurturing father. My journey evolved remarkably—from a homeless teenager to a business manager surrounded by friends, and ultimately to a devoted family man. 

Recognizing the importance of forming connections is key to our journeys if we wish to thrive in our various roles. These relationships remind us that we are never truly alone in life's adventures. Each role I embrace—husband, father, business owner, director, or clinician—comes with unique bonds that hold immense significance. The nature of these relationships can profoundly influence my success and challenges, highlighting the importance of nurturing them. 

As I write, I find myself on the brink of an exciting new chapter. Michael is preparing for his wedding in November. Just this past weekend, I had the joy of celebrating with him, his fiancée Priyanka, and their vibrant circle of friends and family at her bridal shower. While brainstorming for this week's newsletter, I initially didn’t focus on the theme of bonding, yet it has become clear how relationships evolve as we journey through life. Welcoming a daughter-in-law into our family underscores the profound impact of connections—not just for ourselves but also for those with whom we share our lives. 

Reflecting on my original statement, “yours in the bond of the phoenix,” I now see its relevance through an exciting new perspective. Each day truly presents a fresh beginning—a chance for rebirth and renewal. With this in mind, I invite you to reflect: how do you define the connections in your life today?  

In what ways do these relationships shape who you are now and who you aspire to become in the future?

🧠🩺 The Science of Bonding: Brain and Body 

We don’t just feel connection, we physiologically regulate through it. 

The same systems that keep us alive also depend on safety, trust, and presence. When we bond, the brain and body move out of survival mode and into recovery mode. When we lose that connection, the opposite happens: our biology reads it as threat. 

Here’s what the science shows 👇 

🧠 In the Brain 

• Oxytocin = safety signal. The “bonding hormone” lowers cortisol, calms the amygdala, and reinforces attachment and trust.   
• Neural synchrony. Real connection literally syncs brain waves between people, improving empathy, communication, and shared focus.   
• Attachment wiring. Secure early bonds teach the nervous system safety; inconsistent or broken ones train it to expect danger.   
• Social pain = physical pain. The same brain regions that process injury light up during rejection or loneliness. Disconnection hurts for a reason.   

🩺 In the Body 

• Co-regulation. Trusted relationships sync breathing, heart rate, and hormone balance, the vagus nerve tells the body it’s safe.   
• Bonded = balanced. Connection activates the parasympathetic system, lowering stress hormones and inflammation while improving sleep and recovery.   
• Isolated = threatened. Loneliness keeps the body in fight-or-flight: higher blood pressure, weaker immunity, slower healing.   
• Repair through relationship. Strong bonds speed recovery from injury, illness, and burnout, the body literally heals faster when it feels safe.   

Takeaway: 

Connection isn’t just emotional. It’s biological. When you feel safe with someone, your system shifts from defense to repair, from surviving to adapting.

📊 Stats Worth Knowing 

The numbers make it hard to argue, connection isn’t a soft skill, it’s a survival mechanism. 

• Loneliness = 15 cigarettes a day. Social isolation increases the risk of early death by roughly 30%, comparable to smoking or obesity (U.S. Surgeon General, 2023).   
• Heart + brain health: Low social connection raises heart-disease risk by 29% and stroke by 32% (NIH, 2023).   
• Cognition: Older adults with strong social contact experience up to a 70% slower rate of cognitive decline and a 50% lower risk of dementia over time (Harvard & WHO data).   
• Mental health: About 1 in 2 U.S. adults reports frequent loneliness. Those with high-quality relationships show significantly lower rates of anxiety and depression.   
• Longevity: In the landmark Holt-Lunstad meta-analysis (300k+ participants), people with robust social ties had a 50% higher chance of survival across study periods, stronger than exercise or maintaining normal weight.   
• Performance + productivity: Employees who feel bonded at work are far more engaged, while disconnected teams cost U.S. businesses an estimated $150 billion annually in lost output.   
• Recovery: Patients with close social support heal faster from surgery and illness; loneliness predicts more ER visits and higher complication rates.

Takeaway: 

Connection outperforms nearly every wellness “hack.” The data is clear, people who bond live longer, think sharper, and recover faster. 

🐅 Tiger Resilience Lens: Bond vs. Broken Bond 

The strength of a bond determines how well we adapt, or how quickly we unravel. 

Every domain of the human condition shifts depending on whether we’re connected or cut off. 

Takeaway: 

Bonds don’t make you soft, they make you stable. 

Connection is the nervous system’s anchor, the heart’s teacher, the mind’s mirror, and the spirit’s compass. Without it, every pillar of resilience cracks. 

🏋️ Michael’s Training Corner: Bonds Built in the Fire 

Part 1: Shared Effort and the Vulnerability of Training 

There’s a point in hard training where everyone’s walls start to drop. 

It’s not the first rep or the first mile, it’s when fatigue sets in and precision starts to fade. You see it in posture, breathing, facial expression. That’s vulnerability in its rawest form. 

From a coaching standpoint, that moment is where connection gets built. When an athlete lets themselves be seen under stress, gasping, shaking, sometimes breaking, it creates a shared honesty. Everyone in that environment learns to read and respond to each other’s cues. That’s what trust in a team or training group is: predictable presence under pressure. 

Exercise science backs this up. Athletes who train together under load experience higher motivation, lower perceived exertion, and greater adherence. But underneath those data points is something deeper, the emotional transparency that only shows up when the body’s too tired to hide. Training together means being witnessed in your most unguarded state, and choosing to stay there. 

That’s what makes shared effort such a powerful bonding mechanism. Vulnerability isn’t weakness; it’s the nervous system saying, “This is real. I’m at my edge. I’m still here.” 

Part 2: Where You Can’t Fake It 

Exercise is one of the few remaining spaces where pretense doesn’t survive. 

You can’t curate exhaustion. You can’t filter a max effort. The body tells the truth whether you want it to or not. 

When people move through that together, a brutal interval set, a long lift, a shared hill climb, they stop performing for each other and start performing with each other. That’s the difference between a class and a community. 

“Exercise is one of the few places left where you can’t fake it.” 

That line sticks because it’s true. Under effort, the ego cracks, and authenticity takes over. You find people’s real limits, real grit, and real presence. 

And when someone refuses to quit beside you, it creates a bond that words can’t. 

Those moments, quiet, unscripted, hard-earned, are the ones that make training what it is: not just physical development, but relational honesty. 

🌍 Real-World Spotlight: Dr. Stephen Porges — The Nerve of Connection 

Long before “nervous-system regulation” became a trend, Dr. Stephen Porges was quietly mapping how safety and connection are hard-wired into the body. 

A neuroscientist best known for developing Polyvagal Theory, Porges showed that bonding isn’t just emotional, it’s physiological. 

The vagus nerve, running from the brainstem through the heart, lungs, and gut, acts as the body’s social switchboard. 

When we feel safe with someone, through eye contact, tone, posture, or rhythm, the ventral vagal system activates. Heart rate steadies, muscles unclench, digestion normalizes, and communication improves. 

That’s the biology of trust. 

When we sense threat or disconnection, the system flips: breathing shortens, blood pressure rises, and the body prepares to fight, flee, or shut down. 

Over time, living in that state erodes health, attention, and empathy, the same outcomes the bond-related research in this week’s issue points to. 

Porges’ work gave language to something coaches, parents, and trauma clinicians have felt for decades: 

Connection is regulation. 

You can’t teach, coach, or heal someone whose nervous system doesn’t feel safe with you. 

The implications stretch far beyond therapy. 

Athletes perform better with coaches who create safety. Children learn faster when they trust their caregivers. Teams recover quicker when they feel seen and supported. 

The physiology of bonding is the foundation of resilience. 

For readers who want to go deeper, his book The Pocket Guide to Polyvagal Theory breaks down how body cues of safety, tone, breath, presence, can rebuild connection in every domain of life. 

📖 The Pocket Guide to Polyvagal Theory (Amazon link) 

📝 Journal Exercise: Strengthening the Bonds That Strengthen You 

Every bond, with others or with yourself, needs attention. Connection is a living system; it strengthens through consistency and weakens through neglect. 

This week’s journal reflection helps you see where your strongest bonds live, which ones need repair, and how you can nurture the ones that matter most. 

Take 10 quiet minutes with your Awaken the Tiger and Phoenix Self-Esteem Journal, or any notebook, and work through the prompts below. 

Part 1: Identify the Core Bonds 

• Who in your life makes you feel safe, grounded, and fully seen?  
• When you think of those people, what moments come to mind, big or small, where you felt that connection in your body?   
• Are there any bonds that once felt strong but now feel strained or distant?  

Part 2: Evaluate the Health of Those Bonds 

• Which relationships energize you, and which ones drain you?  
• When you’re with someone, do you feel relaxed or guarded?  
• How often do you express appreciation or emotional honesty with the people who matter most?  

Part 3: Rebuild and Recommit 

• Pick one bond that deserves more care.  
• What’s one small act of consistency you can do this week, a call, a text, a shared workout, a meal, to strengthen it?  
• How can you model the same honesty and vulnerability you hope to receive?  

Part 4: The Bond Within 

• What’s the current state of your bond with yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually?  
• How do you show up for you when stress hits?   
• Write one affirmation that reinforces that internal connection: “I am safe in my own presence.”   

Takeaway: 

Bonds grow where presence lives. The more consistently you show up, for others and for yourself, the stronger the connection becomes. 

For deeper prompts that rebuild confidence and connection from the inside out, explore the Awaken the Tiger and Phoenix Self-Esteem Journal here: 

📘 https://www.amazon.com/Awaken-Tiger-Phoenix-build-Esteem/dp/B0DBRWTGS9

Final Thoughts: The Five Pillars and Bond 

The bonds we build, with others and within ourselves, are what hold everything else together. Strength fades, motivation dips, plans fall apart, but the people and principles you stay connected to pull you back on track. 

A bond is what steadies the hand in the storm. It’s the teammate pacing you through the last rep, the friend who answers the call, the quiet conviction that you’re not doing this alone. It’s where resilience begins, not in isolation, but in relationship. 

Purpose – Bonds give effort meaning. They remind you that what you do reaches beyond you. 

Planning – Bonds create accountability. You stay committed because someone else believes in your follow-through. 

Practice – Bonds are built through repetition. The same way you train the body, you train connection, by showing up. 

Perseverance – Bonds carry you when drive runs thin. They keep you grounded through fatigue, doubt, or failure. 

Providence – Some bonds arrive exactly when they’re meant to. You don’t force them; you recognize them and hold on. 

When it’s all stripped down, the noise, the numbers, the ego, what lasts are the bonds. 

The people who see you, the principles you stand by, and the quiet thread that ties it all together. 

That’s resilience. That’s the work. 

Stay Resilient

Bernie & Michael

📚 References  

Aschwanden, C. (2019). Good to go: What the athlete in all of us can learn from the strange science of recovery. W. W. Norton & Company. https://www.amazon.com/Good-Go-Athlete-Strange-Recovery/dp/039325433X 

Association for Psychological Science. (2014, September 9). Shared pain brings people together. APS – Latest Research News. https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/shared-pain-brings-people-together.html 

Coan, J. A., Schaefer, H. S., & Davidson, R. J. (2006). Lending a hand: Social regulation of the neural response to threat. Psychological Science, 17(12), 1032–1039. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2006.01832.x 

Denworth, L. (2023, July 1). Brain waves synchronize when people interact. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/brain-waves-synchronize-when-people-interact/ 

Eisenberger, N. I. (2012). The neural bases of social pain: Evidence for shared representations with physical pain. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 13(6), 421–434. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn3231 

Feldman, R. (2017). The neurobiology of human attachments. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 21(2), 80–99. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2016.11.007 

Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316 

Magness, S. (2022). Do hard things: Why we get resilience wrong and the surprising science of real toughness. HarperOne. https://www.harpercollins.com/products/do-hard-things-steve-magness 

National Institute on Aging. (2023). Social isolation, loneliness in older people pose health risks. U.S. Department of Health & Human Services. https://www.nia.nih.gov/news/social-isolation-loneliness-older-people-pose-health-risks 

Porges, S. W. (2017). The pocket guide to Polyvagal Theory: The transformative power of feeling safe. W. W. Norton & Company. https://wwnorton.com/books/9780393707878 

Scientific Reports / Nature Portfolio. (2024, February 28). Oxytocin and social bonding (Collection introduction). Nature. https://www.nature.com/collections/oxytocin-social-bonding 

U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, Office of the Surgeon General. (2023). Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s advisory on the healing effects of social connection and community. https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf 

Valtorta, N. K., Kanaan, M., Gilbody, S., Ronzi, S., & Hanratty, B. (2016). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for coronary heart disease and stroke: Systematic review and meta-analysis of longitudinal observational studies. Heart, 102(13), 1009–1016. https://doi.org/10.1136/heartjnl-2015-308790 

World Health Organization. (2023, November 15). WHO launches Commission on Social Connection to address loneliness as a pressing health threat. https://www.who.int/news/item/15-11-2023-who-launches-commission-on-social-connection-to-address-loneliness-as-a-pressing-health-threat 

Tiger Resilience Press. (2024). Awaken the Tiger and Phoenix: Self-Esteem Journal. Tiger Resilience Press. https://www.amazon.com/Awaken-Tiger-Phoenix-build-Esteem/dp/B0DBRWTGS9